happy feet

just realized: no more first floor berry, study breaks, and schmoozing with amigos late into the night—after sunday.

it hit me: i’ll be all alone next year. by all means, if i understand myself correctly, i should be excited at the opportunity of being alone. but is mental and physical exhaustion getting the better of me and making me all nostalgic—very uncharacteristic of me?

whatever: i’ll get a dog. finally.

amargo

thinking about the past four years, i guess it’s hard not to wonder about the ways i’ve changed. what’s different about the 23 year old me when compared to the 19 year old me, facing high school graduation?

and i suppose the first conclusions i reach aren’t all too pleasant: i’ve become a more impatient and a more bitter person than i was four years ago. especially when it comes to people and relationships. the most glaring aspect of this, of course, is that i’ve become ridiculously sensitive to feeling used by others. i’m certain that i’m guilty of taking advantage of others as well, but it’s amazing how easily i’m willing to forgive myself especially when i feel that things would be more convenient that way. 

but i don’t necessarily think that this is necessarily bad. granted, if these emotions were to become all-consuming aspects of my identity to the point that i stop being glenn and start being a ball of bitterness and impatience, that would be problematic. 

i see of it more of as reminders—and i love reminders because i forget ever so easily—that i am morehuman than i was four years ago. more human in the sense that i am actually capable of feeling these emotions, which i regarded as things that only other people talked about and felt. as someone who was too caught up on good grades and good college and whatever, these negative emotions were hindrances and it appears that i subconsciously suppressed them. but is it ever possible to not be angry  (especially at another person) ever? i certainly thought so four years ago, but at this point it’s impossible because my ability to contain my emotions has been seriously compromised in the past four years. people disappoint. i disappoint. 

as i see it, true disappointments don’t arise from casual acquaintanceships. bitterness is a strong. it’s only from intimate friendships, relationships because presumably there was a lot of time, trust and emotions shared to reach that level of intimacy. with that in mind, i cautiously believe that this bitterness is an indication of an improvement in my ability to develop those relationships that matter and will last. i still enjoy moments of solitude, but i guess it was only here that i came to really appreciate and understand the joys and downfalls of being in company. 

i used to wonder where i would be now if i could have somehow continued living a life of emotional stability. but there’s no use it in now, because i don’t want to go back. i’ll be bitter and impatient and i realize i become unbearable when it happens, but at the very least i’ll feel more alive than before.

lo que me gusta: crashing our parents’ anniversary dinner because we’re such awesome sons.